How You Remind Me
by Devi and Tess
Summary: Duo is in an abusive relationship with Heero--what will happen? Yaoi and major Duo torture ahead!!


How You Remind Me 

How You Remind Me

by Star Kindler

and

Duo's Chick

Disclaimer: No matter how many times we say it, we *still* don't own GW…Oh, yeah, and we also don't own "How You Remind Me". That would be Nickelback's possession.

Warnings: Yaoi, angst, OOC, bastardized Heero

Author's Note: Our first songfic…enjoy!

***

//Never made it as a wise man

I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'

Tired of living like a blind man

I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling

And this is how you remind me//

Cry after cry escaped my lover's lips. Strike after strike, blow after blow. I couldn't stop. Causing him pain was like a drug for me. No matter what he did, what he said…I would make an excuse to beat him. I really didn't want to, deep down inside…however, I felt I wasn't complete if I didn't.

//This is how you remind me 

of what I really am 

This is how you remind me 

of what I really am//

His eyes…Duo's beautiful eyes pleading with me to stop. He never told me with words; he used to, but I suppose he had figured out every word was uttered in vain. Begging never did a thing to aid him. His deep violet eyes made me realize how wrong I was. Still, I could not stop. Typically I hit him for petty reasons - simple things that shouldn't have required so much anger on my part. Nevertheless, I was hurting him and even enjoying it. He wasn't weeping, nor was he crying out, but I knew I was hurting him. I could see it all in those eyes. His eyes told me of sorrow and deep confusion. I could see his soul. From the depths of that soul, I could almost hear a silent "Why?"

//It's not like you to say sorry

I was waitin' on a different story

This time I'm mistaken for

Handing you a heart worth breaking//

My soul begged me for an answer to that question myself. Why did I attack Duo in the first place? And why in God's name was I enjoying it? It didn't seem normal, or even sane. However, it filled me with pleasure I just could not attain anywhere else. Every time my hand struck Duo's bare skin, I felt a sense of power. I was on top of the world…everything was going my way. I was superior…and I liked it that way.

And that was the way I intended to keep it.

//And I've been wrong, I've been down 

Into the bottom of every bottle 

These five words in my head scream, 

"Are we having fun yet?"// 

I glared at Duo as he huddled against the wall. He was afraid of me…this wasn't right. He shouldn't have been. I shouldn't have given him a reason to fear me. But what does it matter? We're too far into this now.

"Get up." I growled. He obeyed just as I knew he would. He pushed himself up and stood staring at me directly in the eyes. At first I felt a twinge of guilt, but that soon subsided when I saw the darkening bruise forming just below his eye. Those bruises were such a turn-on for me; I could just feel my body responding. Pushing him back against the wall, I crushed my lips against his. I heard a soft moan form in the back of his throat. Not a pleasurable moan, but one just full of agony. I could taste blood flow from his swelling lips onto my probing tongue. Still I continued to kiss him; it was an act of love…or so I thought. Apparently, he didn't think so, for he used all of his strength to pull back and hold me away. His eyes were locked with mine and ran over with emotion. "Heero…" he began, out of breath, and obviously exhausted, "…Please don't…it hurts so badly…"

//Yet? Yet? Yet? No, no.

Yet? Yet? Yet? No, no.//

An evil, sadistic smile crossed my features. "Oh, Duo, darling, you haven't seen anything yet. This is only the beginning," I warned, raising my hand in preparation to slap him across the face. My hand made contact, and I heard a sickening crack as his flesh was attacked. He cried out in pain, raising his hands to his face in an attempt to rub the tender skin. However, I grabbed his hands, preventing him from doing so. I tightened my grip on his hands, making the knuckles turn white.

Duo held back sobs that I knew he wanted to let escape. "Heero," he whined quietly, "please let go." He was practically begging me to stop. His violet eyes were brimming over with tears, threatening to let them fall any minute now. But, did that stop me? Oh, no. It only made the need stronger. The need…the need to hurt, the need to cause pain, the need to feel superior.

"Duo," I growled menacingly, "you're mine. And I'll do whatever I please with you." With this, I lifted his tiny body off the ground and flung him across the room as if he were some sort of rag doll. His body hit the wall with a sickening thud, and he slumped to the floor, motionless.

//It's not like you didn't know that 

I said I love you and I swear I still do 

It must have been so bad 

Cuz living with me must have 

damn near killed you// 

He remained still as I approached him. But as I stood over him, his body twisted and he pushed himself into a sitting position. Blood ran freely from his forehead and various others parts on his body. His gaze turned toward me, but for the first time, I could not see what he was feeling. His eyes were vacant…something that was so out of character for him. I was used to seeing those orbs glow brightly with life, but I suppose when he hit that wall, it knocked the life from him. I almost felt bad, really, I did. But still, I couldn't let him see that. I was still in control.

"God damn it, Duo." I picked him up once more, though this time I held him tightly in my arms and headed to our bedroom. He did not say a word, nor did he struggle. Once in the room, I threw him roughly down on the bed and straddled his hips. Still, he did not move or show any emotion. Not a word was muttered…a sound was not heard.

"Duo, you know I love you. Everything I do is because of my feelings toward you." He just stared at me. "Love is painful at times." And it was the truth. The pain was evident on his body. But it just did not matter. Guilt was pushed aside. I got up and did what I do every night. I ripped bloodied clothes from his battered body; I was aroused, and ready to take him hard. I just loved to see his face contort with pain as I thrust into his tight and unprepared body.

//And this is how you remind me

of what I really am

This is how you remind me of

what I really am//

Many thoughts raced through my head as my "lover" penetrated me. Indeed, I was hurt…but I could not let that show. If I were to give any indication that Heero was causing me pain, only more pain would ensue. I know this from experience. I would cry out, make little noises in the back of my throat…these little actions seemed to give Heero more energy, seemed to make him feel better about himself.

What exactly was wrong with him? Why did he find so much pleasure in causing me pain? I thought he loved me…honestly to God, I believed it. But through my strongest beliefs came my biggest doubts. Was love really all it was cracked up to be? If this was love, I really wouldn't like to see what hate was.

Heero continued to thrust into me until he tired himself out and eventually lost himself in the world of sleep. Now was my chance. I had been waiting for this opportunity, had been planning it for weeks. I would finally escape the hell I called my life. I needed to get away from Heero…and here was my chance.

Quietly, I rose from the bed, extremely careful not to wake the sadist who lie in the same bed as I had previously occupied. I stealthily tiptoed to the door of the bedroom and opened it. It made a loud creaking noise, which I instantly knew would be a bad thing. I cursed to myself when I heard groaning from the bed as Heero opened his eyes.

"And just where in the hell do you think you're going?"

//It's not like you to say sorry 

I was waitin' on a different story 

This time I'm mistaken 

for handing you a heart worth breakin'//

I wasn't going to turn around. I did not want to see the murderous rage in his eyes. It's funny really; I used to love Heero's eyes. They were so deep and intense. Now, I was just terrified to look into them. They cast a look of pure hatred and anger. And at this moment, I could just feel the heat radiate from his body as he raced toward me. I could feel that hate…he said it was love, but I couldn't lie to myself. It was actually hatred.

The first physical touch was his heavy hand to my shoulder as he turned me around. I swear, I could have almost cried when I saw the fury burning in his cobalt eyes - the same eyes I had fallen in love with. The gleam in his eyes hurt more than the rough hand tightly squeezing my shoulder.

"Duo," he said in voice seething with malevolence, "what are you doing? Where are you going?" 

"No where…Heero" I whispered trying my best to sound brave. He smirked. "Certainly doesn't look that way." And then he hit me across the cheek. Pain shot throughout my body. He didn't stop there; I could feel another heavy blow to my face. And then another…and then another…he kept hitting me and wouldn't stop. Sad to say, I was used to it. I didn't make a sound, I knew better than to do that. But this was wrong; for I knew I couldn't continue this way. Why wasn't I standing up for myself? Why was I acting so weak?

I got it into my head to duck. I was going to run and I had to avoid the next punch. Heero did not expect this for as soon as I was low enough, I could hear his fist collide with the hard wood of the door. He yelped and jumped back, giving me enough leeway to pull the door open just slightly and squeeze through. I had almost made it down the hall…I could see the front door just ahead, but then I heard Heero behind me. He ran heavily down the hall and tackled me. I fell to the floor with him on top of me. He had me on my back in no time and straddled my hips, pinning me to the ground. I was trapped and I just couldn't bring myself to care.

//And I've been wrong, I've been down

Into the bottom of every bottle

These five words in my head scream,

"Are we having fun yet?"//

"Oh, you are going to be so sorry you went ahead and did that," I seethed, the anger quickly growing in my voice. I picked Duo up by the collar of his shirt and easily lifted him off the ground. "Don't…you…ever…do…that…again," I warned, carrying Duo across the room. "You will obey me, and do everything I say!" I yelled, throwing Duo into the bookcase across the room.

Duo yelped as his body hit it, and he fell to the ground. I then watched in horror as the bookcase started to topple over.

"Duo! Watch out!" I called, but by then it was too late.

//Yet? Yet? Yet? No, no. 

Yet? Yet? Yet? No, no. 

Yet? Yet? Yet? No, no. 

Yet? Yet? Yet? No, no.//

It happened in slow motion. One by one, the books on the case seemed to fall slowly on top of him. And then came the shelves directly on top of his battered body. I saw his face twist in a horrified grimace, and then he was hidden by the large, wooden case. I heard not a sound from his lips. I knew I had done it now…I had gone way too far. I never meant to hurt him this badly…God, what if he was dead?

Running quickly to him, I pulled the bookcase from his body and sat it in his proper position. Then wasting no time, a million thoughts running through my mind, I was by his side pushing the books away. I pulled him into my lap. He was motionless; but by checking his pulse, I could tell he was in a state of unconsciousness. Gently I rocked his body back and forth. He was trying to leave…I don't blame him. How he must've hated me. That sad fact killed me, for I truly did love him. I was cruel to him, but I couldn't help it. If I could rewind time and do it differently, I would. I would have never laid a hand on him. I would have put him on a pedestal and worshipped him like he deserved.

It was too late. I had screwed up and I couldn't take back anything. Now all I could do was get him help. I pulled him up from the ground. I shuddered as I saw blood flow onto my shirt as I carried him in my arms.

Sadly, I laid him on the couch and picked up the phone. With shaky hands, I called for an ambulance, and from there, waited patiently stroking my love's blood soaked hair.

//Never made it as a wise man

I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'

And this is how you remind me

This is how you remind me//

Soon, much to my relief, the ambulance arrived. I watched as the paramedics placed Duo onto a gurney and wheeled him out of the house. Tears threatened to sting my eyes as I watched the love of my life lie helplessly on the gurney, looking dead to the world.

And it was all my fault.

If I had loved Duo as he should have been loved…if I had never beaten him, if my blows and attacks had been tender kisses and hugs…this never would have happened. I had been a fool—I let the need to feel superior get the better of me. And because of it, Duo could possibly be dying.

And it was all my fault.

I was very thankful for the fact that the paramedics were kind enough to let me ride in the ambulance with Duo. I held onto his limp, lifeless hand, never giving up on hope. If Duo survived, there were definitely things I would change.

I would show him the meaning of true love, for one.

I just hoped and prayed that he *did* survive.

//This is how you remind me 

of what I really am 

This is how you remind me 

of what I really am//

At the hospital, Duo was taken into surgery. During that time sitting in the waiting room, I had time to think. Think about how things could have been different. All the things I could have done for him…if it wasn't for that adrenaline rush I get from the feelings of superiority, I could have given him the world. And I would have oo. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I wish I could take back his pain…hell, I wish I could inflict the same pain on myself. He didn't deserve to suffer. Now I didn't know how things would be. If he lived, who knows if he would actually forgive me?

For an eternity, I sat in that silent waiting room all by myself. Late into the night, a doctor approached me. I was lost in thought - eyes closed and my face propped against my fist.

"Mr. Yuy?" His voice pulled me from my thoughts. "Duo Maxwell is out of surgery and in the recovery room. You may go and see him if you wish."

"So he's going to be okay?" I asked hopefully.

"Yes, he's suffered a concussion, but amazingly enough, there are no other severe injuries. I am, however, baffled by the other contusions across his body. Could you explain those?"

My mind raced…I couldn't tell him… "No sir, I'm sorry." I muttered. I just wanted to see Duo. He didn't push the subject. With a nod, he told me the room Duo was in and I headed down the hall. Shortly thereafter, I found the room.

Anxiety attacked as I pushed that door open. I peered inside and in the dim light, I could see my love's still body. I walked in and took a chair by the bed. Grasping his hand and bringing it to my lips, I whispered a quiet 'I love you.'

//It's not like you to say sorry

I was waitin' on a different story

This time I'm mistaken

For handing you a heart worth breakin'//

As if my kiss somehow worked like magic, Duo's violet eyes slowly opened and he looked at me. Then, by reflex, he winced, bringing his hands up to shield his face.

"I'm sorry…I know I was bad. Please…don't hurt me!" he begged, the intense fear making his voice quiver.

I felt ashamed. Did I really have this much of a strong effect on Duo? Did he really fear me so much as to wince everytime I was in his presence? I needed to set things straight. I knew a simple apology would not make up for the many times I had abused him, but I had to start somewhere. I couldn't stand to see his eyes radiate fear any longer.

"Duo, my love…I know you probably hate me, and I can't say I blame you. But, please, hear me out. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for the way I caused you pain, sorry for the times I took your innocent body when you hadn't wanted me to, sorry for all of the harsh attacks I inflicted on your skin. Please, find it in your heart to forgive me," I concluded, lowering my head in shame. I truly was sorry. I was a total asshole…Duo sure as hell didn't deserve anything I had done to him.

Duo sighed deeply. "Heero…I'm just not sure if I can do it or not."

//And I've been wrong, I've been down 

Into the bottom of every bottle 

These five words in my head scream, 

"Are we having fun yet?"// 

Our eyes locked. I could see the sincerity in Heero's face; he was truly sorry for what he had done. But why should I forgive him? My body ached…I wasn't even quite sure what had happened. It was obvious I was lying in a hospital room, and why? It was all because of Heero. Agony shot throughout me because of the man sitting next to me. I know deep in my heart I love him…as hard as I want to deny that fact, I can't.

I closed my eyes and thought about happier times. When Heero and I first admitted our feelings for one another, he never hit me, or even raised his voice to me. He never forced me to have sex with him; I don't know what changed him. It was as if he changed overnight…and this is how far it has gotten. He lost his temper, and I ended up in a hospital. Now he had realized how wrong he was and wanted forgiveness. His eyes told me he was sincere…but what would happen if he lost his temper again?

I felt him take my hand once more. My eyes shot open and I pulled my hand away, casting an angry glare in his direction. "You think an apology will make it all better? Well, it won't Heero." And that's when it happened. It took me by complete surprise. He squeezed his eyes shut and I could see tears cascade down his cheeks. I had never seen him cry before; I didn't even know it was possible for him to do so. But there he was, weeping bitterly.

"I know it won't make anything better…" He said between sobs. "I just wanted you to know I was sorry and that I do love you."

//Yet? Yet? Are we having fun yet?

Yet? Yet? Are we having fun yet?

Yet? Yet? Are we having fun yet?

(Five words in my head?

Yet? Yet? Are we having fun yet?

(Five words in my head)//

I couldn't believe the vision my eyes were casting in front of me. Heero was crying. I never thought he would be capable of such an action. He had given me the impression that he was some big tough guy with a cruel heart and void of emotions, especially the ability to shed tears. Did he really feel bad about what he did? Or was he just trying to fool me, trying to get me to believe that he was truly sorry, only to abuse me again?

Heero spoke once more. "Duo…I almost lost you. And I realized that without you, I just could not live. I know this apology won't make everything that has happened in the past all right," he sobbed, "but I want to prove to you that I truly am sorry and it won't happen again." His gaze bore into me, and I could see it in his eyes that he was truly sorry.

I sighed. This was very hard for me. "Heero," I began, "I am willing to start anew with you, but I am afraid. I'm afraid that you haven't really changed at all, and that you will just go back to your old ways in only a matter of time."

Heero took my hand again, but this time I didn't pull away. He lifted it up to his lips, and placed a tender kiss along my knuckles. "Duo…please give me one more chance. I promise, I will never hurt you again," he said, placing my hand against his cheek, nuzzling it gently.

The sincere look in those blue eyes gave me my answer. We would get through this. It would take time, we were both aware of that…but with time, everything would be okay. I was sure of it. My heart was telling me this, and my heart never lied.

I grasped Heero's shoulders and pulled him close to me. "I can see it in your eyes, Heero…you *are* truly sorry. We will get through this…I know it," I said, kissing Heero on the lips.

When the kiss broke, Heero took my head in his hands. "I love you, Duo. For always."

~End~

***

Comments? Criticism? We wanna know what you think! ~Star Kindler and Duo's Chick


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